We were sitting in a Mexican restaurant, munching on chips and salsa when my friend caught my attention by saying something that peaked my curiosity, “You know something?” I nodded, wondering what he had on his mind, “Grievers know stuff that no one else knows.”
At the time he said it, I was beginning to understand that, indeed, there are some things in life we will never learn unless and until we have been hammered on the anvil of grief. Across the years I have met others who have shared some of the same feelings after the death of their child. In the beginning, you want to die. Then, as time goes on and you are still standing, you begin to see life and your relationships differently. It is a wisdom that only comes when a bereaved parent, sibling or grandparent has gone through the flames of hell and now has something to say about that experience.
Joni Woelfel is a bereaved mother and one of my treasured friends. It will soon be twenty years since she lost her son, Mic, to suicide. She is a published author (Meditations for Survivors of Suicide) and has written many essays.
Last week she sent me an essay titled, “Old Grief Speaks.” In her essay you will find wisdom born from her loss. So, with her permission, I am posting it here on my Blog so that can catch a glimpse of the things she learned after spending many years in the grief wilderness.
Old Grief Speaks
By Joni Woelfel 2019
I have been musing lately about the twists and turns in life, the roads not taken, the complexities of what could have been, of what is and the role of fate in our lives. I am wondering about the “if only’s,” the “thank God I didn’ts” and the poignant “I wish I had known.”
In my wise old contemplative years, I am aware of how far-reaching consequences are of decisions people make—both the good, the bad, and the redemptive. As my longtime friend and mentor, Adolfo Quezada once wrote to me, “Gratitude wells up in your heart not only when things are going well for you, but also, and especially, when you realize you have the gift of making the best of any circumstance.” We deal with tensions in the body and soul from illness, suffering, anxiety, grief, relationship problems, workplace situations and global/political crisis. These universal tensions stretch us like Thera-bands and call us to inner growth. While through faith and optimism we can be at peace within it and experience well-being, this stretching won’t end until we take our last breath.
Our beloved seventeen-year-old son Mic took his last breath on August 7, 1999, through the tragedy of suicide. This year marks the twentieth anniversary of his death. We remember him in tender, intimate, private moments, bonded as a family through a grief beyond words and the presence of his absence. Stretched by the profound and immeasurable sorrow, we eventually grew expansive enough within to contain it, now devoted caretakers of his sweet memory.
People sometimes think that after twenty years a person should get over their grief; however, the truth is that there is no closure to this kind of pain and loss, it goes with you, integrated into your life. Thus it is, life goes on through finding meaning, remembering the good times, reaching out to others and communion with beauty, passion and the myriad ways that people find spiritual consolation.
One time, when it was extremely blustery and snowy out, my husband and I went for a drive around a local lake. You could see the bare bones of the land, including the distant ice house villages as if peering through white gauze. The raw, inner landscape of early grief is like this sometimes, feeling stark, isolating and frozen. As dusk fell and snow swirled across the road before us, the air was saturated with horizontal flurries, bringing that mystical feeling of being suspended in a dream. The roaring wind seemed to carry a language all its own and we talked about heaven, what is real, what isn’t and the language of old grief, which we are now so familiar with and fluent in.
Old mature grief, that clear, guiding voice of experience contains many messages of hope. Old grief is steady, patient, practical and full of insight. Old grief understands the height and depth of the human journey, at one with the paradox of fragility and inner strength being present at the same time.
Old grief resides in scars, wounds, forgiveness and healing, knowing that letting go, acceptance and finding peace are not just empty words but precursors to a life that can include true joy.
Old grief understands that laughter is sacred, possible, vital and precious. Old grief embraces wholeness and the fullness of human emotion, shaming nothing, encouraging love and calling us past our mistakes and judgements to service and helping others in our own unique ways.
Old grief has been tested many times and believes it when God says “You can make it. You can endure and thrive.” Old grief knows that when we allow ourselves to be stretched, God mends the brokenness and teaches us what it means to make the best of things, even through heartbreak, tremendous regret and setbacks.
This is never about pulling oneself up by your boot straps, but adopting a prayerful, authentic, affirming way of being. The voice of old grief, when seen through the eyes of the soul, reminds us that triumphs of the spirit are meant to be our legacy and that like the pieta, God holds us safely in the lap of grace.
-Joni Woelfel is author of the book Meditations for Survivors of Suicide. She and her husband Jerry co-presented a grief workshop, Map of the Heart at the national TCF (Compassionate Friends) conference in 2007.
Note…If you are an “Old Griever” or if you know of someone who would share their story about, “Old Grief,” please contact me by sending an email to: firstname.lastname@example.org I would love to hear your story and what you have learned across the years since the death of your child.